Gotta Switch to Decaf Baby

I am a room mom's for Ben's second grade class (feel free to raise your eyebrows in amazement at this statement).

(Ben's teacher is Mrs. Hatchell and she is "Practically Perfect in Every Way". I decorated her door for teacher appreciation week.)

I vowed I wouldn't be a school volunteer until Hayden was in school full time because it's just too hard to drag preschoolers into the classes. So now, you might be wondering, how on earth did this happen?

Flashback with me to Back-to-School day...

I'm stressed before we even make it into the school. There is NEVER enough parking, so I had to park a ways down the road. Fine. Walking never killed me. HOWEVER, I'm dragging a petulant 3 year old along, while carrying my purse (which weighs a TON) and several Target bags full of school supplies; all the while YELLING at my other 3 children to watch for cars because there is no sidewalk (at this point I had given up asking them to help carry the bags-insert eye rolling here). 

Oh yeah, do you remember how in an earlier post I mentioned I'm one of the sweatiest people you will ever meet? It's mid-August, and I am wondering why I bothered putting on a clean shirt, clearly I had forgotten over the summer break that I would be hiking into the school and that the person in charge of the thermostat doesn't seem to know how to turn on the air conditioning. Upon walking into the building, I have officially entered the fourth circle of hell.

Are you feeling my angst yet? Let's continue...

In Kindergarten, there are hordes of crazed 5 year olds buzzing around the room (I secretly think they must have been sniffing the dry erase markers). I pull out Rachel's Epi-pen trainer and ask her teacher if she knows how to use one. She asks for a refresher demonstration. I'm yammering on explaining Rachel's nut allergy and showing her how to properly use the pen. It was all going well, even in hell I can be charismatic, until the part where I slammed the pen against my thigh and held it there for 10 seconds.  My smile faltered ever so slightly as my eyes widened & I winced just a little, all the while thinking Holy Moses, I've never smacked my leg that hard with that stupid trainer. It actually hurts!!

I finish my chat with Ms. Landrey. I'm so distracted by the chaos in the room & my own children tugging on me to leave that can't figure out what is wrong with the trainer pen. I can't get it to reassemble right so I throw it into the depths of my purse to work on later.

I have just moved into the fifth circle of hell...

By the time we get out the door I know something is terribly wrong. Pulling the trainer back out of my purse I realize I have just given myself a full dose of epinephrine. That stuff works quick, which would be great IF I were in anaphylactic shock...instead of opening my airway, I begin to feel like a bobble-head chihuahua (the kind that used to be stuck to Grandpa Conder's Mercedes dashboard).

If we don't stop now, we won't be coming back; so let's hurry and go meet Lauren & Ben's teachers. Then I'll find Cessalea and give her my keys. Under the circumstances, I thought I was being quite logical. There was that little voice in my head that kept telling me maybe I should see medical attention, but where's the adventure in that right?

(I don't have a picture from that fateful day, but I'm pretty sure the teachers thought I was as crazy as Beaker!)

There is nothing like meeting your kids fifth and second grade teachers while you're higher than a kite. I'm sure they were wondering if they needed to alert DCFS. Lauren's teacher looks slightly alarmed when I talk to her, but I figure it's because I was really beginning to sweat, excessively.

The sixth circle of hell is where I did all my volunteering...

I signed up to help occasionally in Rachel's class, for several projects in Lauren's class and to be Ben's room mother (as well as several other activities)-all of which, I have NO recollection of doing!!

By the time we reach the office and find Cessalea I'm in the seventh circle...

I'm sweating so much it is dripping off my nose, I was as white as a corpse (and let's face it, I'm already pretty pale to begin with), and I keep grabbing my head because I'm convinced it really is bobbing around & will be falling off at any moment. My fears about getting medical treatment were assuaged when our friends, the Guilott's, called their anesthesiologist buddy to see if I needed to go to the ER. AFTER he stopped laughing, he said I should be fine in a few hours. I'm always happy to provide some comic relief!

The best side effect can best be summed up in the conversation I had with Rob telling him he probably should come home early.

After listening to me prattle on for a few moments he simply said, "Decaf. You've gotta switch to decaf baby, I didn't understand a word you just said."

I sounded like a recording of a squirrel stuck in fast forward & everything ended in a giggle. What can I say? I am truly awesome...I mean really how many people do you know that Epi-pen themselves at Back-to-school day? I'm betting NONE!!

That is how I ended up being a room mom & class volunteer this year...I know you're jealous! (Truth be told it's actually been pretty easy & fun to go to Ben's class parties.)